Call Girls
by Scraggles
Summary: A call can only go so many ways, but what happens when phone sex fails one Lightning Farron? Crack fic with femslashy Flaire goodness, some citrus, squick, insanity, and of course, a bit of naughtiness for you all to enjoy. Full list of warnings inside.


Okay, so, not as funny as I wanted to make it, but I got hit with a random idea at like three in the morning and went with it after some discussion. Aoi, Ferret, Etro, this is for you! ;b

Any errors, feel free to point 'em out! I'd actually appreciate that.. Oh, and also, _warnings_ include femslash, suggestive themes, coarse language, implied nudity, implied sex through dialogue, mention of masturbation, some citrusy thoughts, a tinge of squick, implied Flaire and Senille, crack, crack, more crack, crazy ass Serah, and lots of other things that I don't feel like mentioning, lol.

* * *

"And so what would you do then?" Lightning asks over the tiny communicator she holds between her fingers, twirling it ever so slightly. A light flush falls over her features at the answer and spreads through the skin. She laughs, "Improv, huh?" and her eyes trail the fringe of her skirt and close as her head tilts back, hair spilling from the arm of the couch. "You know I'm more than able to please," she teases.

The soft sound clanking plates in the kitchen three doors down barely registers as she lets out a sultry moan of a giggle. "Think it's time _you _started asking the questions here, scraggles," she paints this with a cheshire grin and lowers her voice, "You know how a lady's lips get tired out from a hard day's work."

The response is laced with sex and sarcasm, and Lightning laughs. "Oh really, now? So you really _do_ like the bottom then." She smirks, readjusting her head on the couch, legs splayed open with a hand between, lazily working itself out. She continues, "Oh, I bet your girlfriend'll _love_ that, hearing about me sexing you up."

The shout of a reply comes as an audible, "Girlfriend?" and a series of chortles before the tone returns to its original intent sort of mood. "Lightning, I hardly would call that little thing a girlfriend, not with how _you_ make me feel."

"Oh?" Lightning's brows pique at this brazen confession before giving rise to a lecherous mask. She coos, "What happened to 'ravaging her on my bathroom floor' and 'getting hot and heavy in the closet while Serah and the neighborhood whore get down and dirty' then, huh?" Her hand pauses in its ministrations for a moment, then resumes at the next admittance. She lets out a slight gasp as it finds a particular spot on its own and purrs, "So you think that now that you've had one, you can have the other, right?" Her partner of sorts gives a nervous explanation, but she interrupts, "That's sexy; I like a girl who takes what she wants."

And at this, there is an audible, audacious, "Oh, I bet," and another line after that.

Lightning smirks, waiting a moment before the long monologue is finished. "Ah," she interrupts, "So it's upside down and all around, huh?" The response is a satisfied hum, and Lightning continues, "Well, in that case, I'd one man army your high wind until you staggered yourself all over the place." Her voice dips in and out again as she smirks, knowing she's won, "Vanille would like that, wouldn't she?" She teases the other woman cruelly.

"Oh, certainly; she'd just love the idea of us two going at it, eidolons and limit breakers and fingers here and there and-" There is a knock at the door and Lightning sighs frustratedly. "What's wrong sugartits? Something with eidolons? I'm sure we'd both enjoy bringing little Odey into the mess." She prattles on, snickering deviously, "Say, you give him and Snow a good pat on the bum for me when you see 'em, huh?" Quickly, she adds, " And Serah too, for that matter, hahah."

The soldier grunts in the direction of the porthole, buttoning her pants and shirt as she holds the phone wedged between shoulder and ear. "Wait a second," she murmurs, "got company."

"In bed already, lass?" Fang replies, words trailing away as the phone is laid onto a desk and Lightning goes for the door. The words, "Shame on you, little bugger; better not get too tuckered out over there. You've still got me to deal with, you know," go unheard as the soldier greets her sister, casual and even tempered as if she hasn't had her hand down her pants moments earlier.

"Yes?" the woman drones calmly, "What is it?" She looks down upon her other half stoically, blinking for a semblance of normalcy.

Instead of waiting for an open invitation to enter, Serah comes right inside, slipping under the toned arm of her older sister and making herself at home in the middle of the space, twirling. "Hi Light," she nods to her after a second, realizing she hasn't said a thing since barging in. "I just wanted to check on you," she supplies, smiling, "Dinner'll be ready in a few minutes."

Lightning nods approvingly and quirks a brow before smoothing it back down. She asks, "What's cooking?" wiping a sticky hand behind her back. Her eyes dwell on the girl's hips, pondering Fang's request of a fair "pat" as the girl answers. "Sounds good," she replies, as per usual, and grinds her teeth as a particularly loud outburst from Fang peeks just over and into her range of hearing.

Serah's attention turns to the sound, and she picks up the phone, much to Lightning's dismay. "Who's this?" she asks curiously, phone not quite up to her ear. Lightning scrambles to pluck it from her sister's grasp while the girl isn't looking, but fails as a sensual purr pours over the line. Serah blinks at the words and suddenly turns a shade of beet red, redder than the flush now adorning the soldier's cheeks. This doesn't bode well.

"Lightning?" the girl suddenly chops, "You mind telling me the meaning of this?" Lightning swears she sees the beginnings of steam permeating the air around Serah, and she gulps. Another raucous reply falls through the communicator, and it seems to make the girl fume even more so than before. "You're calling a hotline why?" she clarifies the question, a light twitch shuttering her widened blue eyes, the lids of which flutter a bit as she chews her lip.

"Er," Lightning runs a ragged hand through her pink locks, also chewing her lip, "bad incident with a telemarketer?" She attempts. Serah is one step ahead of her, now in a heated argument with the Pulsian on the other end.

She shouts at the top of her lungs, "What are you? Some kind of pedophile?" Lightning attempts to shush her, but the girl won't have it and she shoves a pointy little finger at the taller woman, who instantly knows to back off and leave it at that; she's not wanting one of Serah's new and unused stilettos impaling her brain, nay piercing other unsavory organs, specifically the pair analogous to the ones she quite often finds herself threatening to remove from a certain tall, blonde, dumbass sister-stealer. Though, perhaps, she notes, she would be better off if that certain oaf were present to do just as he usually did, stealing Serah away and whatnot.

The yelling continues in varying degrees as Serah begins pacing round and round, shouting again, "Did I miss something? Is this a prank?" Her nose perks in annoyance and she interrupts the smack talking fool again with a rousing bellow, "For vagina-bagel's sake, you'd think it was 'Fuck the Farrons' weekend or something, since obviously, _no one _in the ten elfenheiming hells can seem to leave my family damn well enough alone!" She rants and raves some more, livid. At this point, the Pulsian, the other Farron sibling, and the entire neighborhood are astonished beyond words at the profanities spewing from the tiny girl's mouth.

Lightning gapes, "Elfenheiming hells?" She's never heard that one before.

Still, the girl yells, "First, it's some crazy ginger tang tickler in the cafe bathroom at Lebreau's, and then it's some yellow haired twink in a pink jacket trying to hump my boyfriend's leg, and _now,"_ she emphasizes the last word heavily and shakes her fist in the air, "_you're_ corrupting my sister for a couple bucks an hour? Is this how it is, you spineless sea urchin?"

Blushing, the soldier pulls at her collar, watching as the girl is quiet for a moment, panting. Embarrassed, she admits, "Er, Serah, this one was for free."

The resulting roar is heard for miles around.

* * *

Yes, "Fuck the Farrons" is a shoutout to a certain lovely fic out there. :D


End file.
